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A Soul Awakens In May 1997 I attended the Hoffman Quadrinity Process. Six months earlier I had ended a four year "separation" from my mother. I had acquiesced in order to be part of my family again. My decision to attend this program came after I met with a therapist I occasionally sought help from. I was complaining that at 42 years of age I was still dealing with the same issues of unworthiness. I wanted to "get over it" once and for all. She gave me the literature even though she really knew nothing about the program at that time. I went home and read through the booklet. It was written for me and I couldn't wait to get there. The intensive paperwork leading up to the first day brought up so much pain and negative emotions from my past. It made me want to go to Hoffman even more than ever. I had uncovered the link between my own behaviours and my parents and it frightened me. I was so anxious to finally deal with my dysfunctional relationships - particularly with my mother. We had been instructed that we would have no contact outside of our group during the one week process. I was surprised at our first break, only 1 1/2 hours into the program when I received a phone message from my husband. I couldn’t believe that my privacy was being invaded - already. When I called him I was completely unprepared for his message: "Your mother had a heart attack this morning". To say I was stunned is an understatement. I left the group and sobbed uncontrollably on my bed. How could this happen? I was finally here to face the problems with my mother and now, as so often happened in the past, she was using illness to control me again. I had no idea what to do and the teachers simply stood by and let me find my own answers. When they came I was stunned. Sitting quietly I felt my mother's words - I didn't exactly hear them or her voice - it was just a knowing. She said, "Come home. You don't have to do this. It will be too painful." I knew instantly that my mother and I had always been spiritually connected. I also knew I would stay. I called my husband back and miraculously he had learned that she was out of danger and resting comfortably. The crisis had passed. What a beginning! The week unfolded with experiences I never imagined. I dealt with highs and lows that went right through to my soul. I found anger that I had never been allowed to acknowledge. Once unleashed, the cathartic process brought incredible relief. Slowly I began to recognize my feelings - the good ones and the bad ones - and to allow them to be accepted or dealt with. The message was clear – No one is to blame and whatever you are feeling is okay. Coming face to face with my buried emotions was the key to my freedom. At times it was very difficult. When I hesitated, I would find myself pushing onward. I had made a very sincere commitment to get the most out of this week and nothing was going to stop me. The results were worth it. Every relationship I had came up for examination. I saw how the way I treated myself and others had come from the way I was raised. I had never liked people blaming their childhood for what was wrong in their lives. At Hoffman we didn’t do that. We looked at the past and learned to understand and forgive. I left Hoffman with a deep love and compassion for my parents that I never dreamed was possible. Almost three years later it is still there. I had no idea as I headed home that sunny May day that I would need these gifts to sustain me in the coming weeks. I walked into my parents' home ten days after embarking on the process. Across the room I met my mother's eyes and there was instant awareness between us - our relationship would never be the same. Holding each other we embraced as we never had before. For the first time I felt that I could give love freely. I shared my love with both of my parents and felt so at peace. One week later my father had exploratory surgery in his throat to determine if the months of radiation had affected his massive cancer. Sadly the doctors told us the cancer was too insidious - he had only a few weeks to live. To me there was no coincidence in the timing of these events. I had felt propelled towards the Hoffman Process. It took courage to face myself and I remained determined to give myself this gift. And it truly was a gift. I began the journey of loving myself. I had heard many people talk about the importance of self-love but I had no idea how alienated I was from the real me. The euphoria I felt stayed with me through my parents’ recoveries. I was at their sides to love and cherish them sincerely from my heart. What a gift for all of us. Now, many months later I am continuing the process within. Hoffman gave me direction and the deep, honest friendships that I formed have been unlike any others in my life. My gratitude to the process and people who are part of it is boundless. My gratitude to my spirit for leading me there is eternal. Daryl Wood (Clarke) March 2000 |
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